I'm having a hard time writing this time around. I feel defeated. I've started writing three different posts but can never find the words to finish.
The first time I went through this, I took a risk and took control of my treatment plan. It was unique. It was revolutionary. It was _________.
I was called things like Brave. An Inspiration. A Warrior.
Honestly, I feel like a failure.
The first time around I wanted to write. It was therapeutic. Not only was it my way of sharing my story with friends and family, but it became my way of digesting what I was going through. It was my way of coping.
But now, it seems as if there are no words.
Maybe it's tough because there was a "first time". When I was diagnosed with cancer, I didn't think it would be for the first time. I certainly never thought I'd have to deal with this a "second time."
And shit, please don't let there be a third time.
This time, I'm tired of stealing the thunder.
I think that maybe I'm at a loss for words because I'm at a loss of what to do. I've consulted with 6 different doctors and received as many different opinions. I'm grasping for someone (anyone!) to tell me what to do. I partially expect God to come to me in my sleep and proclaim, "This is the answer!"
This has yet to happen.
So for now, I'm being left to trust my gut and tell the world again what I’m going to do—what my decision will be…this time.
But even my conviction – much like my words -- seems to be missing.
So that decision, THE DECISION, my friends, is for another post at another time.
A time when, hopefully, I can find my words.