Friday, December 30, 2011

Chain Reaction

When I found out I have cancer, I didn't realize how open people would be with their reaction to my reaction: I'm too casual. I'm too sarcastic. I'm not emotional enough. I didn't realize that cancer meant I had to react in a particular way. I didn't realize getting cancer meant I had to change who I am -- which by the way is a casual, sarcastic, non-emotional person.

I guess I could fake tears. Break something. Pretend to be so distraught with this news that I refuse to get out of bed. In some strange way, I think people would better understand that reaction. In their minds, that's the way I SHOULD react. But I'm not a victim. And that's not me. I'm not the kind of person that's going to crawl into bed and let cancer take over my life.

And to be honest, I'd feel guilty doing that. Not to sound completely cliche, but there are starving people in this world! Not only am I not starving, but I have the means to completely change my diet and eat mostly raw and drink disgusting wheat grass shots because it is vital to my health (lucky me).

But in all seriousness, I AM LUCKY. Yeah, having cancer sucks. It really does. But people are literally dying every minute of worse things, including worse cancers. And I'm not actually dying (knock on wood people!). And not only that, but other people are constantly suffering without receiving anywhere near the kind of attention I'm receiving because, yes, I have cancer (See? cancer IS an attention whore!).

And not just "people" but my people. I have friends struggling every day with addiction. I have a friend that is so sick, who constantly suffers, and even the doctors can't figure out why. I have friends that have experienced loss so terrible that I pray I never have to know what that feels like.

I could have it so much worse. And because of this, I don't spend my days crying and feeling sorry for myself. Itt's because of this that I jokingly compare my tumor to that of my pregnant friend's babies, also wondering if "Little Hodgy" has grown any today.

When I found out about the cancer, I wasn't given a death sentence. So please, I beg of you, stop expecting me to act like I was. 

And please, whatever you do, don't confuse this plea with being unappreciative of all the continued love and support I do receive every single day. It is because of that boundless love from friends, family, and people everywhere that I am able to have the strength and courage to tackle Little Hodgy. But when you see me having fun with my friends or joking about cancer, please don't tell me I should be home mourning. Because unlike others less fortunate, I'm not dying.

At least not today.



  1. Couldn't have said it better myself! You're amazing and strong...clearly, or else you wouldn't be able to keep rocking out the wheatgrass shots! ;)

  2. Ha! Everyday Little Who grows Little Hodgy is shrinking :) xoxo